Musings

When Things Just Don’t Go As Planned

A long time ago, I heard someone say “If you want to make God laugh, make plans.”

In a lot of ways that statement is so appropo right now. Not that I’m not still planning, and not that anything in particular is wrong, because honestly, its not, but in me.. my spirit, my emotions, I am struggling and I don’t understand why. I have faith that God brought me to this and will get me through this, but the journey, at least right now, is hard.

One thing that has me very concerned at the moment is my health. The seizure disorder that I’ve had for years has decided to really act up. Where I was only having maybe one or two seizures every few years, I have had five in the past two months. Three of those have now been at work. It is embarrassing and frustrating because the type of seizures I have, I’m fully aware of what’s going on but I can’t communicate and I can’t stop them. The last one, Thursday night, has left me with a droopy right eye and the entire side of my right face feeling numb and saggy. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve actually had a small stroke and I can’t see a doctor until the 8th of August.  Another effect is this constant feeling of wanting to cry, over absolutely nothing.

I’m frustrated with myself. I feel as if I’m failing at everything. I’m not saving as much as I think I should be even though I’m not frivously blowing money. I’m frustrated with my husband even though he’s beeen a total angel to me. I’m frustrated on my job constantly feeling like I’m working harder and harder and making less and less because I end up missing days due to the seizures and the subsequent need to recover from each one.

So I’ve been praying a lot about being proactive, not just with my health but with everything. See, I tend to want to see results in MY time. I want what I want when I want it, just like every  human being does, but, God doesn’t work that way, at least not with me, not yet.  What I frequently forget is that no matter what – no matter what my attitude, my expectations or aspirations my dreams or my hopes or my failures, God has my back and all I have to do is just trust Him. And in my logical mind, in my spiritual mind, I know that if I just let go and let God, everything will be okay. It may not be what I think I want or need, but God knows so much better than I do and his desires for me are nothing but good.  Yet, I struggle with my flesh. Constantly.

So for today, this is my verse:

Romans 1:17
For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”
Today I will live by faith, no matter what my flesh says. I will stop every moment I have a thought that goes against what God says I am, and what He wants for me and I will tell God  how much I love him, and I will pray a prayer of thanksgiving that I am where I am at that exact moment in time because I know that each and every moment, no  matter how hard it is, is meant to be where I am because there is a lesson I am learning that is furthering the purpose God has for me.

 

 

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